I fell off the grid and fell in…(Part 1)

..well, something good.

I am not quite ready to commit to any other four letter words just yet, but I do have some wisdom to impart (I think anyhow).

Last I checked in I believe I said the new guy (dubbed Will) seemed like something special. Turns out I was right. We haven’t gone a day without talking since we first started chatting back in December and after our first date right before New Years Eve we have been seeing each other as much as time and responsibility allow. This last weekend (Valentine’s weekend) he came over Friday and ended up staying till Monday. We didn’t even really notice. Of course there was plenty of romancing and a lovely Valentine’s day date, but there was also a Friday the 13th horror movie watching and a Saturday morning breakfast in bed that I made and date that night while my sister watched the kiddos and then Sunday morning brunch after I let him sleep in while I did my things and then what was supposed to be a quick round of video games before he left while the kids played nearby that turned into dinner that turned into Monday morning breakfast…AND I think you get the gist.

I think back to all those times I wondered why a guy wasn’t calling or texting, what he was thinking, what had I done wrong, was I not pretty or witty enough, and a whole mess of other things. It’s been ages since it just worked. My last relationship was never comfortable or easy. Sure there were good times, but I never felt at ease and ultimately it ended badly for precisely the reasons I felt uneasy about. Sometimes I wonder if it was a self fulfilling prophecy or if we weren’t just ill-matched. I’d like to think he’s not a bad guy, just terrible for me (it makes it easier to think of what to tell our kids someday when they ask about him and what happened). As I have recounted my dating experiences to you then you know that there has been a roller coaster there as well. Not with MR. WILL though.

There’s tons of articles and blogs that list ways to tell if he’s serious, likes you, wants you, is into you, wants a relationship, etc., but seriously, you do just know. I had forgotten that you know and had been trying to fit square pegs in a round hole *snickers*.

(By the way, the sex is great and frequent…did I mention great?)

To add to the webs lists from my little corner of the world though, here’s my some number of ways to know, just know.

(Also this list can be adapted to any gender as such you might be wondering about. I am simply writing it about men because I fancy menfolk and pronouns can get out of hand when I try to be completely general)

He communicates. If he can’t stay in touch he lets you know why and for how long. This isn’t because you’ve asked him to or were left in the dark and started wondering and ‘pinging’ him to find out what was up. No. He just does and he apologizes, not because he wants to appease you, but because he is genuinely sorry he can not be talking to you during that time.

He remembers that one time that you mentioned that thing that you liked and did you want to go get that for dinner and it’s only the third date and you don’t even remember mentioning it and briefly worry you have a stalker. I don’t even remember half the stuff I say when I ramble, applause to him for keeping up.

He wants to make you comfortable. Not by slipping into something, though that’s nice too. Sure he should…enhance your physical comfort, but a good one for you will try to make you feel emotionally comfortable as well. If you express weariness or embarrassment or distress the right guy wild his best to put your mind at ease within his power. Worried that you’ve done something stupid or that you’re being to clingy or that the bit there on your belly is unattractively waving to him? He can tell and he should kiss you and telly you that you’re being daft and in fact you are wonderful and beautiful. Maybe I’m editorializing a wee bit.

He holds your hand. Sounds simple enough, but it’s a big thing. The guys willing to hold my hand over the years make for a stark contrast against those who really didn’t want to but ended up doing it per request or handgrab at certain functions. Holding hands in private is sweet and makes you feel more connected even though you’re doing something else. Holding hands in public does this and tells the world “hey, I like this person, they’re with me”. Pretty much if they’re willing to tell the surrounding public (while sober and not using you to fight gravity) then they are also telling you “I likes you a lot pretty lady” (the voice in my head CAN be creepy).

His people know you. Maybe you have met them, maybe you haven’t, but if it’s the real deal you can bet they’ve heard something. Everybody talks (to someone at least). He invites you to gatherings with his friends and they know your name. I would say this next bit is a no brainer, but I had a FWB that did it and threw me for a loop – he invites you to have dinner with his parents. I have also recently endured this with MR and survived. That was a whole can of shenanigans for another post.

He makes plans with you. Future plans, beyond this weekend and next weekend. There’s calendars and tickets and travel and sleeping arrangements and you have to stop thinking about how you have a hard time committing to anything past that hazy area about 7 days out. Of course if you have real doubts, get out. If they’re more like “OMFSM how is this happening to me now? Can I handle being happy?” then just remember, you can handle being happy (unless you’re in the scary part of the Viagra commercial).

I’m actually going to put this up half cocked and call it part 1 because I’m about to fall asleep and possibly accidentally delet it all as my head hits the keyboard.

Goodnight dears!

Hiccup

I started writing this post the other day after date number 4 with mister man so there’s a bit of a delay since I’ve had a cold and don’t feel super loquacious when I’m under the weather.

Before moving on to the particular issues at hand, I think a pseudonyming ceremony is in order. Not only have I made it past the fourth date, but I am in one of those real relationship things.

I should really try harder than looking around my room for a name…fuck…. (the problem is in real life he and Harry have the same real names. OK, let’s go with a British theme and dub him Will.

Tada!

Now that’s sorted.

Because of previous poor luck in love both I and Will are currently living with family. This can pose great difficulty in certain romantic interactions…like sexing. I have my little ones and sister and sometimes mother which really isn’t so bad, except that when I’m home there’s not much privacy and there’s a constant possibility of being needed. He lives with his very religious parents.

A few days ago we went to a movie premier he had free passes for and then out for a quick dinner and drink. As it’s still that new, shiny relationship phase, we wanted to go back to his place to spend a little more quality time together. Previously his family had been out of town and we had the whole place to ourselves, that was however not the case this particular night.

I guess I didn’t realize exactly how much he didn’t want is parents to know he was bringing a girl home or else I would have suggested anything but going to his place. We went to the store to pick up a few beers and he suggested I leave my car there and ride back in his and then he would bring me back to mine later. I didn’t mind that much since we’d be riding together, but didn’t entirely understand why I couldn’t just park on his street. When we got to his place I was told to be super quiet and follow behind him exactly. Once in his room I was barely able to talk above a whisper and when he put on something funny I was shushed (kindly) when I started giggling. It was at this point I started getting annoyed.

It’s not that I don’t understand, I came from a similar upbringing, but I’m pretty sure they weren’t going to hear me over the TV. When we did start fooling around trying to both be silent and have the Ali G show on as cover noise just made for an odd combo. At one point I became so frustrated that a few tears slipped out, which he noticed.

I really hate that my body’s go to for frustration is crying.

The night actually was fine and we ended on a good note (after he drove me back to the grocery store parking lot in the wee hours). I did however express my discomfort when I texted him to let him know I had made it home. I’ve played out the dirty little secret, mostly with Homeboy, and this suddenly made me feel reminiscent of that. I told him as much. He assured me I wasn’t a dirty little secret, but that it was just easier not to tell his parents and let me know that he had told his friends about me.

I was upset because I wanted everything to keep running as smoothly as it had, which I realize just isn’t feasible, but it seemed early for road bumps.

By the next morning though I felt pretty bad about having made it an issue. It was neither of our faults, though it does make it clear that there will be some issues for the immediate future as far as privacy and, well, fucking like bunnies the way we would like.

I’m not entirely sure how to solve this in the long run…or even the short run, but I have to believe we can figure it out. Friends have offered use of their guest rooms and I suppose worst case scenario there are hotels (though neither of us are really rollin’ in the dough). I GUESS we could just not spend so much time in bed, but that is my least favorite solution.

Tonight I meet a few of his friends at a birthday party at a bar out near his place. My introverted self is stressing out, but I’m excited still to see him again even though it’s only been a few days. As for after, maybe we’ll kick it old school and steam up some car windows.

Wish me luck!

Crazy girl

OK, fine, you know what? It is always a little troubling/annoying when a guy doesn’t answer your texts.

I can get awfully stressed and insecure about these things (clearly) and part of it may be that I haven’t made it past the third date in a while.

So, even when things are going swimmingly, I worry. Even though we decided to be exclusive and I can think of no reason why I should worry, I worry. For a bit this evening I was concerned he had found this blog and upon reading earlier posts had become infuriated or put off by my …activities (incidentally I watched Bridget Jones Diary last night). He knows I blog anonymously, but doesn’t know my user name or site or anything that would give it away. I tried a reverse image search of the one photo that could be linked from my FB account back to here and couldn’t find anything and searched using all sorts of info he might have and found nothing except my general accounts, yet I worry.

I really have no reason to worry. I can’t think of a single thing that I should worry about. I guess he could have decided to freak out. I texted with him till 4 am though and he probably slept into the afternoon, which would limit freak out time.

I AM OVERTHINKING THIS.

After seeing him the next time I will officially give him a pseudonym. He/him is working fine for now and I don’t want to jinx it even though I am far from superstitious.

I did end up changing my OKC account to “Seeing someone” and only “looking for friends” I didn’t want to disable it just yet because I do actually have 1 or 2 people on there that I chat with as friends and also it’s more obvious if I disable it than if I change those things. Again with the overthinking.

In other news Mr. A texted today wanting to get together to watch a movie and make out. I am not going to do that and I’m not holding off on replying because I want to do it, I just can’t think of a nice way to say no. I really do get why people randomly disappear now. I won’t do it since I am against it on principle after my experiences, but I do want to say to those who have that I understand.

Honestly a lot of people texted wanting to get together, but I have zero desire to get together with them.  Even if the Youngster wanted to get together non platonically I’d be like “nah dude, that ship has sailed” Maybe that’s why I’m stressing. I am worried that when it seemed like my chickens had hatched and it was fine to count them that they turned out to be imaginary chickens. I will admit though if for some reason Harry left his wife, drove up here, and declared his undying love for me I might have to call him and say “Umm, super sorry, but something has come up and I have to move to Guam and run from the law, you are wonderful and it’s been fantastic, but I want to protect you from this horrible life on the run”.

I was kind of hoping I would hear from him by the time I had finished this post, but no dice.

*sigh*

I fell asleep before posting this (I’m old and have a cold) and he did actually text about 10  minutes later to say he was sorry he was getting back to me so late, he’d been at a bar watching a game and then drinking and he was sad that he’d missed talking to me

So, I am in fact the crazier one.

Mutual Insanity

It is possible that I am a crazy person, I’ve come to accept that. I may have met someone equally as crazy (in a good way, I hope).

After seeing him last time I already wanted to see him again. I guess he felt the same way so we got together again that night. Because of the vacation break we both had the time and I had the sitter available once everyone was fed and in bed.

We ended up grabbing some food and streaming The Interview and drinking wine. It’s not that I don’t like going out, but when I’m comfortable with someone I actually prefer to be low-key . I’ll still make the effort to look nice, but seeing someone frequently is both too expensive on either of our parts and too stressful to constantly be going out. Plus the timing when I have to wait till my wee ones are all settled can make scheduling and earlier evenings a bit tricky.

After the movie we ended up playing around on the internet (as one does) and watching a documentary about North Korea (as one may also do). Somewhere in there we did a couple shots and got a bit silly. Somehow it came to the topic that I had a few guys that I’d either had dates with previously and who were wanting to set up more dates (I know, I haven’t really talked about that, they haven’t been anything really exciting) or who I was talking to who wanted to set up first dates. I wasn’t trying to be weird or make him jealous, but I think he asked a joking question about all the texts my phone was getting from my bag (I have to glance at them every so often in case there’s an emergency).

Maybe it was the wine and the shots, but I ended up sharing that honestly I didn’t want to make more dates with anyone else now that we had started dating and he said he felt the same. He asked if that meant we were going to be exclusive and I said I suppose it did. Then he asked if this meant if we were boyfriend/girlfriend now. I think my face may have flashed a mix of fear/excitement/fear/shock based on the look he gave me. I said ok.

It’s not that I didn’t want to. I was just honestly surprised and a little afraid after the way my last relationship had gone and how dating has turned out. This may all be happening quickly, though it still all feels natural and pretty terrific. I didn’t feel like running away from it and I still don’t. I know that doesn’t seem like enough to base a relationship on and that’s not the only thing I am forming it around. You see my friend A and I have something we call The Trifecta. To meet the requirements of The Trifecta a guy must posses all of the three qualities. Most guys that we are willing to date have two of them. It’s a rare occasion that they meet all three.

These qualities include:

1. Physical attraction/chemistry
   1.  They meet our standards for appearance or our type which can be rather unique
   2. We our compatible in bed (or wherever it happens to…happen)
2. Intellectual chemistry
   1. They’re smart enough (I know this may sound bad, but we are smart cookies, they have to be able to keep up)
3. We click
   1. This one is harder to explain. It’s that je ne sais quoi. That something that can’t be explained, maybe what most might just call chemistry.

He meets all three and I haven’t come across one of these since Harry and not any available ones since umm, fuck it, I can’t remember. My most recent ex only had 1 and 2, but a very high 1 and 2 for what it’s worth. The point is I’m not going to keep dating others just for the sake of keeping dating others since I don’t want to and it would seem he feels the same.

So, as I said before, this is what it’s like to have equally matched attraction and interest. I don’t need to cajole him into a certain level of anything. I don’t need to play games or wonder. I can be open and honest and myself. I can even tell him all that and talk about past experiences and he can too and it’s not weird or scary and neither of us feels insecure about it. If this ends I want to remember that.

Overboard

I should write something examining my feelings and thought process.

I should record the details so I can come back and do a postmortem of the dates.

The thing is though, I think I met someone special. I don’t really know what else to say right now, but I have this feeling. After our first date I only half jokingly invited him on a 2 night trip with me, he almost came with me but couldn’t find someone to watch his animals on a few hours notice. I’ve never done that before because I realize it is crazy, but I think it would have actually gone well.

I just got back from his place a couple of hours ago after a pretty spectacular low key night.  I drove straight to his place returning from my trip and plopped my stuff down after a rather rough drive. He asked if I wanted to go get sushi since I had mentioned it one time (I honestly don’t remember mentioning it). We ate, we drank, we watched hours of streaming stuff, we held hands, we talked and talked, we did all sorts of, umm, things.

This is the guy that got me through the night while my grandmother died, he texted with me while I freaked out, while I laughed inappropriately, flirted inappropriately, cried. Actually we text back and forth for hours everyday since we started talking a couple weeks ago.

It just feels different.

As for wisdom, I think this is what it’s like when the level of interest and attraction is equally matched. I’m not running away from him and he’s not running away from me. I don’t even feel like freaking out about it. I just feel, I don’t know, I want to see him again already.

Goodbye Granny

I don’t have anything clever to say today.

I spent the night before last in the hospital with my granny as she struggled to let go. I sat with her all night playing her favorite music and talking to her. She hadn’t really been conscious for a few days, but maybe she knew I was there. I just know I wouldn’t want to be alone as I lay dying. Maybe it did more for me than for her. In the end the result is the same.

The only the really relevant I have to say as far as all this dating and guy business is concerned is a thank you to the fellow who stayed up texting with me through the whole 12 hour experience. You made me laugh during a time I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to. More about him next time.

For now, I’ll miss you Granny.

Alone together

Poignant talk, a bit ironic to share this way.
Something to think about in this world of online dating, texting, and social media .

The art of conversation

Twas the night before christmas

Merry christmas, happy holidays, festivus for the rest of us, and all that jazz! May the noodly appendage touch you in whatever way you please, and I hope all is well with you and yours!

So I have finished filling all the stockings that were hung with care and I’m pretty sure my twins will be the most balling 9 month olds on the block.

After hours of assembling things and then just sort of staring at them and hoping they’re actually safe, it was time for me to have a pimped mimosa (add vodka to a not pimped mimosa, tada!)

My very own night before christmas didn’t exactly involve a jolly elf, but there was a guy who wanted to give me a…gift.

A few minutes after patting myself on the back and settling in for a warm winter’s nap, what to my wandering eye should appear, but a flirty text from a guy who had too much beer.

He hemmed and he hawed and asked how I was, then said he was lonely, you know, just because

At the same time a less buzzed fellow sent me a message, just to say “hello”

On through the night I texted the two, hoping like hell not to get too confused

One was just chatty and stories we shared, the other wanted something other than my soul to be bared

…and then I was tired of trying to rhyme.

Fortunately there were no crossed communications and everyone ended the night pleasantly… I think anyhow.

Moral of the story, you can’t adequately give and receive electronically.

More explanation after the festivities!

Closure

The pajama protest ended yesterday due to the fact that my sister would not let me go to the mall with her in that particular state. I think I’m probably doing better. I only cried a few times while out and one was completely fair. This is my second christmas without my dad and I saw an ornament that reminded me of him. I bought it for the tree. I think I’ll keep getting one every year like I did when he was alive.

Aside from all that, more than anything I’m tired. I’m tired of starting over and over and over and over.

1. Find new interesting person that I find attractive.
2. Chat them up a bit to find out if there’s enough there to warrant meeting.
3. Meet and see if there’s enough there to meet again.
4. Figure out if we’re also physically compatible.
5. See if interests hold for both parties.
6. Meet again.
7. Repeat steps 3 thru 6 till it ends.
8. I don’t know yet

Homeboy’s phone butt dialed me today…somehow. It butt dialed a video chat which had my phone and computer freaking out, making noise at me. It was funny and I had been thinking about him. It reminded me of days past.

I finally heard from Mr. S. Part of it is what I sort of expected. His financial situation and job stuff had gone haywire and he wasn’t comfortable dating while he didn’t have money. The other part I had also come to suspect. He just didn’t feel the romantic spark after a few dates. I didn’t ask why since I know there’s not always a way to know yourself, but also I didn’t want some catalog of flaws that is always a possibility. I know though after recent experiences that if you are really into someone then no amount of inconvenience will keep them from wanting to see you and no amount of communication is too much. It doesn’t mean that I’m not a little sad and in my recent state a little weepy, but like I told him c’est la vie. I also told him that he could have just told me all of that sooner and I felt like he was a good guy so I had just wondered what happened. I like closure though, so this is good in the long run. I had already written him off anyhow.

I wish Mr. W would tell me what happened, but we don’t always get that closure we want do we?

The Youngster has also quit answering texts, I would guess hoping not to lead me on. From his Facebook postings he seems ready to move on now, I don’t know if trying to just play things out would have worked out or if I would still just have been a rebound girl and he wouldn’t have moved on properly. I suspect that would have happened.

I’m seeing Mr. A again tomorrow, but much like Mr. S said about me, I don’t feel that romantic spark. I’m not sure how long I’ll go with it before it fizzles. I don’t want to lead him on either, but part of me thinks maybe I’ll change my mind. I want to feel that spark though like I’ve felt before and like I know exists.

What if I never mutually spark again though?

I had been terrified of it happening at first and now I know I am more terrified of it not happening.

Sleep to Dream

Hour 30 of pajama protest

Guys, I am almost prepared to call off dating again. If I was capable of emotionally compartmentalizing well enough I would just find a good Friend With Benefits and enjoy that lack of worrying about what came next.

Homeboy: I’m so sorry I caught the feelings, I miss you, even if grad school took a toll on you and you look a bit like a hobo now, I know what’s under whatever that is growing on your head. I could really use a “There, there” right about now.

Youngster: Why on earth didn’t I just shut my mouth or just use it to keep kissing you. Why can’t I figure out where the undo button is?

Ex: Yeah, you can still go suck a duck. I really mean a duck. They are mean bastards and I have sucked the other option and it was fine, I don’t see that as thorough enough punishment. Go fill your mouth with a feathered friend.

I was doing better till I realized the Youngster has a lying whore mouth!

Ok, no, just he did sort of lie though and momentarily I wish I hadn’t elected to even stay friends, because this is not friends.

*Deep breaths*

I know, reeeeeeaaaally know that I will get past this, but as before, for the sake of honesty to this process I am pretty down about it right now.  This one just got under my skin, and fast.

There are of course plenty of fish in the sea. I get fish trying to hop in my boat all the time, but it’s never the fish you want that just jump right in. Maybe all the guys out there who are excellent matches for me are already taken or emotionally unavailable, or were in horrible accidents and are now comatose and don’t realize they are supposed to be looking for me.

I also keep getting annoyed by this concept of  “a numbers game” and “plenty more fish”. Each person I meet, go out with, share any level of intimacy with leave some kind of mark on my mind or heart or body. I’m not a white board. I don’t just get wiped down to start over as needed. It’s like slowly getting a mystery tattoo.

What am I going to look like inside and out when this is all done?